Transformed by Grief with Ellie Thomas

Living the Path of Surrender: What does it mean and how do we do it?

• Episode 31

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In this episode I explore how to live the path of surrender without abandoning desire or Self, moving from upended expectations to a grounded practice of connecting with and honoring our deeper truth, while also processing emotions, thoughts and bodily sensations that are arising in the process. I share how a pregnancy twist reopened old grief for me, and how cultivating continuous connection with ourselves restores trust, presence, and agency in the unknown.

Other nuggets we explore: 

• Redefining surrender as inclusion, not bypass
• Living in the dance between human will and Divine will
• Allowing in support and mentorship to clear charge
• Holding peace and greater knowing at the center while feeling everything
• Resisting false reassurance and staying with the unknown
• Honoring different timelines and processes in healing

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Music credit:
Embrace by Sappheiros | https://soundcloud.com/sappheirosmusic
Music promoted on https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/


SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to Transformed by Grief. My name is Ellie Thomas, and I am here to guide you on your transformational grief journey. From feeling lost, raw, and brokenhearted, questioning everything in you and around you, to reconnecting to the truth of who you are and the beauty, fulfillment, and vibrancy of life that is still available in you and through you. On this podcast, we explore the depths of what it means to say yes to life again after you've been broken open by pain and grief. We will explore what it means to create a deep, loving, and reverent relationship to yourself, to grief, and to life in a way that allows you to begin to rebuild from the inside out and to create a powerful foundation for a joy-filled, alive feeling, and fulfilling life you love. Hello. Welcome back to the podcast. Not surprisingly, September was very different than I thought it would be for the amount of times in my life that I have said that. About a month, about a time period. Oh, I should learn to stop saying that or to stop creating these expectations around what I think it might be or what I want it to be. And yet that is part of the human game, is it not? And definitely part of what I am here to explore and unravel and surrender to, which brings me to the topic of today's show. An exploration that's been on my heart for many weeks, truthfully, for many years, and has been re-highlighted in the past month or so. And I'm immediately just going to ask for your grace in my breathing. Nine months pregnant and sometimes talking, laughing brings me out of breath. If you'd like to take a deep breath with me, if maybe last month or so was also very different for you than what you expected or planned, welcome in. Let's take a breath. Oh, just landing back in the body, landing back in current time with yourself. Allowing yourself to notice what feels still in movement or in resistance or challenged by what the last time period has been and how different it is than what you thought or the plans you'd made. Recognizing where there's grief or pain or fear, frustration. Maybe even relief. Just welcoming in whatever's here. To coming back to this word surrender. In the past month, I've been re-acquainted from a new angle with a word that and an embodiment and an exploration of an energy, the energy of surrender that I have been slowly deepening in for seven plus years now. And this past month, some things came up on an ultrasound for a baby that are in no way devastating, and in no way something that will be a hopefully not a large impact over her life. And yet still I'm learning that finding out any little thing, especially when you're someone that has had a history with hard health things in your family or experienced loss and death, finding out any little thing that's different than what you thought or unexpected, requires a lot of attention. Requires not only external attention, but requires processing attention. And it's been very clear to me over the past seven years that my path and what I'm here to offer and lead and live by is this deep relationship to living in surrender while also not letting go of will. Honoring both divine will and the natural human will that lives within. And inviting in a dance, inviting in the constant dance, the constant push-pull doesn't even feel like the right words, but the constant give and take. And then the meetings and intertwinings of these wills. And for years after I lost my mom, and in the throes of losing her and say goodbye to her, there were places of disheartenment and disbelief that my will mattered, that it was important. There's a lot of what even matters? Why does this even matter? Do I even have a choice? I obviously seem to not have a choice in most places of my life. And a lot of grappling with what is even the point. But as I've deepened into the exploration of also still continuing to have desires and dreams and still continuing to want to see things naturally develop in my life, as every human does, if not actively in every season throughout different seasons, I've come to realize that part of the magic is this dance between the wills and the surrender to the dance. And so coming back to this topic of surrender, in the past month I've had this message coming through around living the path of surrender. What is it? What does that even mean? Everyone has the ability to define that differently. So we'll explore that in a second. But what is the path of surrender? And how do we live it? How do we live it when we are constantly uh ejected from things or parts of life that don't serve us or that are not meant for us anymore, even when it is the most painful letting go possible? And what is it to live still with this beautiful relationship to our own will and our own desire and to choice? And I don't share this from a place of having answers, as I'm sure you can tell by the energy of it, but I felt the importance of in this time in the world of speaking to this process, to this path, of offering the deepening, constantly deepening exploration. So, first of all, I'm curious if you just take a second and sit with the word surrender. What has surrender meant to you in your life? Has it been something of welcome? Has it been something of force? Has it been natural? Has it been challenging? What emotions has it provoked in you when you've had no other choice but to surrender? And what are the moments in your life that have marked those moments, that those times that have marked this word or been marked by this word? To me, surrender goes deeply with flow. It deeply meets the release of control that I'm here to experience. While also being in full trust of what's coming through. It means walking in connection with the unknown, honoring every fear, honoring every moment of excitement, of possibility. Honoring the wide range of things I'm feeling in the midst of no longer being able to hold on to, grasp on to, or expect whatever I had conjured in my mind about a circumstance, about a moment, about a person or a topic. Surrender to me is an energy of the heart opening, the breath deepening back into the body, refining our feet on the ground, and being in connection to the deeper energies of what's alive and happening. However, not giving in necessarily in a way that would signify that we have lost ourselves or have disconnected from ourselves. And in the world, I find that surrender is often spoken about or talked about as just surrender, just let it all go. Just, you know, let go of your path and realign with the divine path. Or I don't know, there's probably five million different ways of saying that, but it's often spoken about as kind of disconnecting from ourself, overriding, letting go of denying our experience in the name of something higher or better. And while there are aspects of that that I believe can be alive in surrender, the path of surrender for me has not looked like letting go of myself. It has not looked like truly releasing any Ellie in the process. Instead, it's looked like completely opening to and holding space for and coming into relationship with anything I'm feeling about how things are different than what I thought, wanted, needed, etc. To be able to through the process of kind of emotional alchemy, of emotional processing, of allowing all of that there to connect with the true heart of what I can feel is happening. And so in September, in this most recent process, like I immediately felt and have felt this entire time the well-being of our child, the vibrancy and the spunk of this little spirit coming through into human form. And my husband felt that too. In no moment did either of us feel, surprisingly, maybe, deep worry or fear about her life or about her health. And yet, I still, and we both still in our own ways, but I'll speak for myself here, still have had to move through such a process. That everything that this circumstance, of everything that's simply one tiny little difference showing up on an ultrasound, throwing off our whole concept of what entering into parenthood might be like. Of having to think about these things before she's even here of the impacts it could have had on our plans, our desired plans. And I will tell you that part of this path of living in surrender for me has been: can there be space? Can there be space for absolutely everything I'm feeling while also connecting with that deeper energy that I can feel is here a deeper energy of trust, of peace, of knowing that we will we will make it through this. There is no doubt in anyone about that. It may not even end up being much of a thing, but simply the disruption of what we had thought it to be before, which probably anybody who's a parent that's listening to this is laughing, like, oh, just see wait, there's gonna be five millions of those. And yes, I'm aware. Well, I'm aware from the point of view that I can be aware from at the moment. But one little interruption to what we had assumed in our systems, in our bodies, in our minds, in our energy fields, as what would be the path has brought up so much, so much. And if I would have chosen to disregard the feelings and only cling to the sense of peace and the sense of well-being that is there in the center of it all, I would have missed out on some pretty big healing for myself. So as I was beginning to explore these big waves of grief, of fear, I could feel immediately that they weren't, that they weren't in accordance with that peace that I was feeling. And was able to kind of offer curiosity of what are these, where are they coming from? And I could almost immediately feel this is old. This is stuff that has to do with my mom, not with my child. These are energies from earlier on in my life, fears that have lived in my body that are only now being able to be activated and brought to the surface and processed more fully because I am about to become a mother myself. And as I could feel these things coming up and asking to be processed, asking to be given space without losing touch of that through line of study, trust, and well-being that existed. So much was able to happen in my energy, and so much is able to help me come into greater connection with that sense of trust, with that sense of of we're okay. Despite the unknowns, despite still not having answers, despite potentially not having answers for months, even when she's here. But also being able to continue to connect in presence with everything that's here right now, not being swept away or taken away by what I can't see or understand yet. What I don't know, what nobody knows really. And instead letting the the circumstance initiate us even more deeply into relationship with the unknown and show us the places that need to be strengthened in mind, in body, in heart, to be able to step into this next phase of life as sturdy as we can be, which will be very imperfect. So the path of surrender has required and invited me into, and how I see it is it invites all of us into the awareness, the exploration, the connection with the deeper energies that are alive. And over time, when we have had this ongoing relationship with the unknown, when we've had this ongoing relationship with surrender, when we've had this ongoing relationship with our intuition, with God, with our hearts, with our bodies, we can feel that quickly. Sometimes at the beginning, we can't. Sometimes at the beginning of this journey, there's just a lot in the mind and a lot in the body accumulated that causes some clenching and some contraction and doesn't allow for the flow of that connection yet. And there's nothing wrong with that if that's where you are. To me, that signals there's simply stuff to tend to here. It likely isn't current, it's likely being provoked by the current of current reality. But it likely is some older accumulation, and all that needs tending here to connect with the deeper energy of what's really happening, of what the surrender is inviting us into, is space for sacred tending of the patterns, of the accumulation, of the emotions that have never had space. And then if you're someone that has been walking in deep relationship to yourself in all of these ways, and you feel that clarity of what's underneath it coming through really clearly from the beginning, and yet there's a lot of other stuff too. That also is the invitation of the path of surrender. It is the next layer of the invitation to live in deep communion and trust with that energy and to let it almost be radiating through your body and energy field without it needing to negate, override, erase, or change anything else that's coming up along with it. This is really where I see like the heart of that kind of pulsing fountain energy or of a lighthouse, this radiating light that is so alive within an undeniable, but also as every kind of ring of light, electricity energy moves out from it, it highlights different things. We can feel its sturdiness in us, and at the same time, the waves that are moving out hit new layers, and so can we? This is the question that comes up for me, but in the general sense, can we walk with this deep connection to what we feel is actually happening and true here while also being in constant welcoming, loving relationship with what's being activated in the process? And as we are in relationship with that, can that loop us back into deeper embodiment, deeper trust, deeper presence with the core of what we feel is here. And so we start inward, we allow the layers that are a little bit further out to be touched, and then we allow those layers to bring us back inward. And that's what the true path of surrender is to me. Run it through your system, through your body, through your heart for a second. How does that feel? Does that feel true to you? Totally okay if it doesn't. But if you were to invite in what did feel true about this into your life, into the circumstance of the moment, into anywhere where you are being challenged into surrender yet again. What might this look like for you? What is space you might need, support you might need? Any little shift in paradigm or relationship with yourself that might be required to actually walk this path. Then there comes, it's like radiating through me as I'm just sitting in silence here. Then there comes this question, but how? But how do we do this? And that's really depends on where you are at with relationship with yourself right now. The good thing is that no matter where you are, this is available to you now. So just check in. Do you feel in connection to your heart and to your intuition, to your godly connection? Do you feel in connection to what is here underneath it all? To what the overlying energy is of this circumstance and what it's welcoming you into or not. And if you don't, like I said, there's nothing wrong with that. That's simply your starting place. And so if you don't feel in connection to that, what would it be like to begin to cultivate a relationship with what's coming up from your humanness with maybe the thoughts the body's response the fears and tears and the many layers of emotion, the grief, the anger? That's a big one. What would it be like to really make space for that in your life? And I'm not talking about like amount of time or logistics, I mean presence with yourself in that not needing it to be any different. Not needing yourself to feel any different than you do. I heard this beautiful quote listening to a podcast a couple weeks ago. It said, How we How willing are you to feel what you're feeling? Even if by feeling it the feeling doesn't go away. How willing are you to feel any feeling? And most of the time, it's pretty dang uncomfortable to feel that at the beginning. We're always, we just become more acquainted with the discomfort, more tolerable, more safe. And if you do feel in connection to this greater energy of what's happening, and you do feel like you can feel that, how willing are you to also let the messiness of the other things you're feeling be there? To not need to cling to the greater energy, to not being upset. I definitely had my moments in the past month of being frustrated with myself in certain moments of not being able to just fully welcome in that feeling in every part of me, even though I could feel it there. And you know what was keeping me from that? The space that was needed to simply process the fears that were really old that were coming up. The space to recognize. That things were well beyond what we could understand right now, that our our child is okay. That there is vibrancy in this path and in the body of this baby. And yet I could feel that there, and I felt disconnected from it at the same time. And as I got on a call with one of my mentors, just having space held for me to talk through what was actually happening for me, which often just came through some gentle questions that she asked or reflections that she offered. I immediately felt, oh, there's a really old fear here. A really old fear that anything being quote unquote wrong is going to separate me from my baby emotionally or energetically, that it is going to disconnect us. Because this is one of the survival mechanisms that my mom and I used together. Where instead of allowing the pain and the fear and everything, and I don't blame either of us, this that's where we were at in our lives. That's what we that was part of our path at the time. But instead of allowing that to draw us into more closeness, instead, it very subtly shut us off from each other. Instead, it very subtly distanced us. Instead, the fears of her life and the need to put energy towards being well, which I'm so grateful that she did, felt like in some moments kind of emotionally and energetically took her from me. She went somewhere else. We were there together, but we weren't always there together. And this fear was living in me that anything that could be off would do the same with me and my child. The pain that of the idea that anything could take away the joy or love or just pure presence of being together. And all I needed to process was to bring those words to life, to say, oh, I can feel this fear in my body. I can feel that it's not even true. It's just old. I have deep compassion for myself and my mom and for why this was created. And it might still be there in small ways, but it doesn't have to be the overarching experience. It actually doesn't have to be the experience at all. And even as I said it, it just lost a lot of its power, a lot of its charge. And I was presented with a choice and challenged with a choice. How do I want to relate to this fear? Thankfully, I'm much further on the path now than I was years ago, where it felt hard to make that choice a lot of time. This time the choices get clearer and clearer and easier and easier. Only through asking for and creating space to just let awareness of that come through. Excuse me. The clearing of the energy allowed deeper embodiment and connection with that deeper truth. It allowed me to begin to open beyond the simple response or reaction emotionally to the initial news and begin to find peace with oh, yeah, this is something that's here. We need to explore it. And we're not going to have answers for a while. But I can still be in beautiful connection to what's here, in beautiful presence to what's here, still be enjoying what is here and the process that I'm living, still feel myself planted in my heart, my body, my feet on the ground in life. And continue to be in relationship to this process, to the trajectories that I may or may not want. It also was really easy for anyone. But it could have been really easy for us to convince ourselves that everything's fine, that we don't even have to worry about it, that on the next ultrasound, nothing will show up and blah, blah, blah. My husband and I both knew that that was not setting us up very well. That was not going to set us up well. But what did set us up as well as can be, because we're still in this process and will be, was the ability to come into this walk of surrender where we are continuing to process what's being brought up, what's being highlighted, what's being reactivated, while also allowing that to let us lean even more fully into the truth of what we feel is here. And letting that anchor us into the presence of the moment while also being in relationship to all the possible trajectories that we can think of, because there are probably more that we can think of. Not needing to grasp to any of them, not needing to falsely reassure ourselves of anything, not needing to convince ourselves out of anything that we're feeling. And his process looks so different from mine. It's gonna look different for every single person, no matter how things come up for you, how quickly or slowly they move, how in connection to or growing in connection with your emotional body, your physical body, your energetic body you are. There's no better place to be. So I'm gonna leave that there for you to noodle with, as my friend Melina says often. To digest and to kind of start to see where the invitation for living the path of surrender might be active or activating in your life, if that's not already there consciously. If there's anything from this episode that you'd like to share or anything that comes up as you're digesting it, please feel free to share that with me. I love hearing from you, even if I'm slow to respond. And I will be back soon with more heart messages of the time. Take care. Thank you for listening to Transformed by Grief. Please take a moment to rate, review, and subscribe to the show and to share it with a loved one that needs this medicine today. If you are ready to deepen into your own Transformed by Grief process, you can join the Sanctuary membership or work with me one on one at least lovehood.com. See you soon.